Why Was I Saved?

Last night I came across the verse that God led me to the night before I was to begin chemotherapy. "When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3. I remember that night as being very frightening. I had already gone through Rituxan (the experimental drug) and fared well as the side effects weren't that bad. But Chemo scared me. I had heard horror stories about the side effects and knew my body wouldn't fare as well. The next morning it took all my will power to keep me in the treatment chair as I watched the first of the 4 drugs, Adriamycin, drip into my veins. It's a lovely red color and causes heart problems as well as makes you extremely sick and makes you loose your hair. It's so potent that I had to get a Pick Line inserted directly into the main vein to my heart. If any of it leaked out of my vein it would cause such bad damage (like burns) that I'd have to have plastic surgery to repair my skin. I hated every minute of it knowing that it was killing the good cells along with the bad. But it had to be done.

Over the years I've tried to describe how I felt those months after I was diagnosed. How I felt protected and loved by the Lord whom I found at the bottom of the pit of despair I'd fallen into. Lately, I've been drawn to verses that say we are taking shelter in His wings. The Bible's use of the word "wings" are mostly figurative: to seek rest (Ps. 55:6); refuge in God (Ps.17:8 & 91:4); renewed strength (Isa. 40:31); and compassion (Matt. 23:37). It was the feeling of being sheltered that I felt. It was like God covered me with his wings and within His wings I found rest and renewed strength.

This past year my Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma message board family has lost 4 loved ones. I have to point out that I've never meet any of these people but they've been a great source of support for me for the past 7 years. We're bonded by this dreadful disease and have often grown as close as one can through the internet and refer to each other as our NHL Family. The first person to pass away was our dear message board creator, Trudi. She started the message board because her husband had NHL. She was a loving and beautiful Christian who touched more lives then I think she even realized. God was evident through her loving words of encouragement, faith and hope. Sadly, she passed away from Lung Cancer and wasn't even a smoker. The last person to pass this week was Tommy. He had a loving wife and 3 beautiful children. He suffered more then anyone should especially this past year. I saw pictures of what he looked like before being diagnosed and pictures of his last few months and was shocked by the change in his appearance. It's one thing to read his wife's posts about his struggles but another to actually see what he was going through. I'm deeply saddened for these families and often wonder why I have been blessed with 7 disease free years. I don't dwell upon it often because I realize that God has given me the gift of good health and I don't want to take it for granted.

My journal entry during my treatment speaks of feeling the same way:

Monday, November 20, 2000
Couldn’t sleep last night. Spent the night crying. I can’t help but ask God why this is happening to me. I don’t know if I can be as strong as He wants me to be. What does He want me to do? I feel burdened to witness to my friends. Carman told me her niece is in pretty bad shape. She’s only 15 and has Hodgkin's, Stage 4 with it all over her body. Poor girl is taking chemo every day for 15 days. The Dr. says that if she makes it 6 months then she has a good chance of getting this. How can I be so sad about myself when there are other people who are far worse? I’ve just been feeling tired all day. Eric has been a dear and helped me. He shaved his hair for me. What a dear! (Note: Carman's niece recovered with flying colors and became the poster child for Hodgkin's Disease at her hospital. Sadly, a few years later she was diagnosed with Leukemia as a result of her radiation treatments. She passed away not long afterwards.)

Why have I been saved? After 7 years I think I found the answer 10 verses from the one I was led to those many years ago, "For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life." (Ps. 56:13). I was spared death (for now) so that I "may walk before God in the light of life." I've spent the past year forgetting all that I learned those many years ago. I forgot what God did for me and took it for granted. I am here to serve the Lord, live for Him and be an encouragement for those around me. I don't want to be like the Israelites who in Exodus 24 vowed to follow the Lord no matter what. Yet, I know in the coming chapters I'll read about how they turned away from Him time and time again. Lord, may I not forget your love for me and what you've done in my life. May I take what you've given to me and use it for your glory. Amen.

Krista Jones
1.25.08