Healing

Healing means "to restore to health or soundness; cure. To set right; repair. To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness and to become whole and sound; return to health."

I came across a verse that the Lord led me to on October 13, 2001 shortly after my first Women's Retreat with New Hope Christian Church. The guest speaker was not someone I really cared for but something out of that weekend brought peace to my life after my ordeal with NHL. That August I had come up to the first year after I was diagnosed. I was still recovering from treatment but I felt great because I had won a major battle. Eric was unemployed but hopeful that he'd find another design job. We had just started going to New Hope Christian Church and felt like we found a church family we could be a part of. The girls were happy and healthy. And, we were discussing having another baby. I was so happy at the thought that we could have another child and maybe make up for the fact that I lost out on Emily's first year. I have no idea when she started to crawl, talk, walk or any other major milestone because it's all a blur.

Then came the oncology appointment that fell around the anniversary of when I was diagnosed. After finding out all was well we discussed our desire to have another baby. To that he said, "I would strongly recommend you don't. If you should choose to have another baby you would have to wait 2 years for your body to be fully rid of the toxins of chemotherapy. The nature of your type of cancer is that by then it will have returned and will no longer be treatable through traditional treatments. If you do become pregnant and we discover your cancer has returned, you will have two choices. One, terminate the pregnancy and get treated immediately. Or two, carry the pregnancy to full term risking the chances of the cancer spreading to the point where it can't be treated. Thus, you'd be leaving Eric with 3 young children to take care of."

I felt like I hit a wall the size of the Great Wall of China. Reality set in and my high was over. I was a mess after that appointment. My dreams of having another baby were shattered and I mourned that loss. I mourned the loss of my previous cancer free life full of hopes and dreams. I mourned the loss of forever having to be reminded that my life wasn't my own and that I had to live with the threat of my cancer returning. That October Eric forced me to go to the Women's Retreat. I didn't want to go because I wasn't settling in at as he was. But went I did and out of it came a life changing moment.

Psalm 103:1-3 says, "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget none of His benefits; who pardons all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases." Next to this verse I wrote "Another reminder of God's healing power over NHL. Note: Jeremiah 30:17" I turned to Jeremiah 30:17 and it says, "For I will restore you to health and I will heal you of your wounds; declares the Lord." I was wounded and in need of the Lord's healing both physically and spiritually. I turned to Him that day and began to release all that I mourned over into His hands. I took on the promise in Jeremiah 30:6, "Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them; and I will reveal to them an abundance of peace and truth."

That day began my journey of healing and living the life of a cancer survivor. I had crossed over from cancer victim to cancer fighter the year before. What I didn't realize was that I had to cross over from cancer fighter to cancer survivor and that is where I was struggling. I could no longer live upon the fact that I had won my first battle with it. That fact couldn't keep me alive for the long haul. I had to somehow come to terms that I had been healed but the healing may not last for a life time. Living the life of a survivor in the beginning is not easy. In fact, it's mentally harder then going through treatment. I honestly think this is true for any major trial you're dealing with. It's a difficult process to get through but once on the other side life will be different. The fact that the trial took place may have lasting consequences and reminders that you can never escape from. But that doesn't mean you can't gain healing and peace out of it. You have to be willing to acknowledge the fact that it's part of your history and can't be changed. That you're a different person because of it but that's OK. God can bring healing through it and give you freedom and peace. Turn it all over to Him and "Then your light will break out like the dawn, and your recover will speedily spring forth; and your righteousness will go before you; the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard." (Isaiah 58:8).

Krista Jones
3.2.08